Search Engine Term Of The Week (Episode 13)

Today:

divinity 2 novel way of giving head

Come to think of it: What’s so hard …difficult to imagine about this?

There’s almost certainly both an audience as well as an industry for priest/nun-related porn (both mostly located in Vatican City, one can assume). Starting from that premise we may further surmise that there are franchises and blockbusters in the world of Faith Porn. Names like Rectal with the Rector, The Crucefucktion of Christ or Benedickt XVI: Sacrament of Excrement come to mind.

*urgh*

Anyway. So there might be a Divinity I: Giving Head The Traditional Way out there. Just might, mind you. And I’d rather if there wasn’t.

Divinity II: Ego Draconis (Part 2) or I Was Going to Give This Game a Positive Review but…

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… then I finished playing it.

(BTW: this review is going to be so spoiler heavy that it is in danger of turning into a neutron star, so maybe, like, consider not reading it if you don’t like spoilers.)

Anyway, I was really going to give this game a good review. Scout’s honour. Cross my heart and hope to die. Honest. I was absolutely sure that I would give it a good review up until about five minutes before I finished playing.

To be quite frank, it’s not as if the game doesn’t give you enough things to complain about before you reach the final cut scene.

The fighting system is a little bland and being able to target specific enemies would be real swell. While the system certainly works, and you even get the feeling that archery is equal to fighting with a sword, which is rare, the game fails at giving it a sense of reality. Yes, I know, it’s a friggin computergame. Nothing real about it. Still, games like Oblivion (and I am really reluctant to praise the fighting in Oblivion, all I can say to that is level 72 Spider Deadra) manage to make the fighting, especially the archery, more immersive. I guess being able to define the strength of your pull by how long you press the mouse button makes a big difference there. Plus points to the fighting system include that Divinity II is one of those rare games were summoning a creature, especially The Creature, to help you in the fighting really makes a difference. In the end the beastie sometimes did all the fighting while we were standing nearby filing our nails (a note to those who haven’t read my previous Divinity II review: I was playing the game together with my husband. That’s a lot better for people with epically challenged hand-eye-coordination like me.)

Besides the fighting there are other problems. For one there are a lot of puzzles. Specifically the kind of puzzle were you have to jump from platform to moving platform to falling platform and pull levers without having the slightest clue as to what they will do (and while, as the husband rightly pointed out, those are not compulsory in order to finish the main plot and thus kind of alright, I still find this sort of silliness annoying. If I wanted to behave like a grasshopper on a hotplate I’d play Tomb Raider. But I don’t, so I won’t, once is enough.) Doing this kind of jumping challenge once is okay. Twice is still kind of okay-ish. Three times is okay-ish-y if the rest of the game is fun. Four times, when there is instant death lava underneath the platforms and you have no clue as to where all of this is going, is not okay.

The biggest problem for me, besides the last cut scene, was the fact that the game kind of seemed to run out of steam once you have conquered the dragon tower. Sure, it is of fun after that for a while, because there are the Orobas Fjords which you are finally feeling strong enough to explore and because the tower has so many nice little knick-knacks that await your pleasure (and I don’t mean Sassan and her ridiculous … ehm… bra?). But after that you quickly realise that the best levels of your life are over. You’ve met most types of enemies, you’ve seen one flying fortress (and if you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all), gone are the nice enemies that give you one or two thousand XP in one go (at least for the most part, there are exceptions) and most annoyingly of all: gone are the interesting quests. Yes, there is still some good stuff, but with a lot of them I was either dissatisfied with the choices that are presented to the player, like with the one were you are supposed to kill the gobin chief for Aurelius, or the quests kind of stopped when I expected them to go on for a bit. Those quests feel as if the developers were running out of time at the end, like many a quest in Two Worlds.

But enough complaining about the minutiae of gameplay. Up until the end Divinity II still was a lot more fun than Oblivion, or Gothic III (sorry if you’re one of these people who get aneurysms when they hear or read that name, I should have warned you. It took me long months of psychological counseling until I could type it without going into seizures). There is still nothing I can say to refute that fact. The game has witty writing that is to this day only topped by Gothic I & II and the early Fallout games. It has lots of sidequests. Diverse sidequests, which pleasantly sets it apart from Oblivion or fetch-me-these-seventeen-polkadot-shrubberies-Gothic-III. You can even find peaceful solutions to some of these (big plus, says Verena the pacifist). Last but not least: Man, is flying fun or what? (Yeah, man, it is!)

But now comes the crux. My biggest point of contention. The denouement. The goddamn final cutscene.

Divinity II had already, before reaching those thrice-damned three minutes of video at the end, demonstrated that futility is the name of the game. After you spend the first 10+ hours of gameplay caring and fighting for the people of the area where you start out (no idea how it’s called in English) they all get wiped out because the evil head-honcho wants to slap your wrist. Tough luck. Want to save that goblin tribe (name also unkown) near the champion harbour (ditto on name) from extinction? Let’s just say that you shouldn’t make a lunch date for the next day with any of them. How about the people on your island? The one with the dragon tower on top? Like them? Well, try not to get too attached. What I am meaning to say that Divinity seems to be rather intent on burning the bridges after you. Big, merry fires. It only serves to emphasize the linear nature of the gameworld. Areas get closed off the second you are ready to enter the next one.

But the biggest, meanest and, not to make too fine a point of this, abruptest thing that the game pulls on you is the last cut scene.

Because, you see, Ygerna wants to be resurrected. Damian wants Ygerna resurrected, although he doesn’t know he does. You, on the other hand, don’t want Ygerna-baby to be resurrected. You want her to continue to rot in hell, especially since the alternative seems to be having to watch her make out with Damian, not an image  I wanted to see.

For some time before the end I had been thinking that Telana (for those of you who have either nor played the game or haven’t played the game far enough: She’s the broad that hitches a ride in your subconscious about five hours into Divinity II) sounds a bit too mean and sarcastic to be one of the good guys. Being dead also disqualifies her from being the love interest, so laying on the raunchiness extra thick was also a little confusing (also this would have made Divinity II the first RPG where the main love interest is a porn star). So, I thought, what’s up with you, Telana?

Not Telana at all. That’s what’s up. She’s Ygerna, incognito. And as the final cut scene will tell you she has just used you to bring about the destruction of what little is left of the gameworld at this point.

Why do I need to write a 1500 words review about this, you may ask. After all Dark Messiah of Might and Magic did pretty much pretty damn exactly the same and that game was by all accounts awesome.

Well, for one thing because Dark Messiah gave you some nice fat hints as to what was going on. And then it gave you a nice fat moral choice at the end. Ditch the bitch or be a daddy’s boy. Whatever you chose, the point is that you could choose. Divinity doesn’t give you that luxury. After investing fifty or sixty hours into the game, and in our case quite coming to like its witty protagonist, you get thrown into a crystal prison with that wet drip from the first game as your only conversational partner and have to watch the world end. Well, okay, be demolished by Damian. I have no doubt that the gameworld will go on after a fashion. Why set up a sequel if it were otherwise?

It’s the inevitability that enrages me so. If there were any chance at all of having the game end otherwise, let’s say by reaching level fifty (probably not possible) or by making only the most pristinely good moral decisions throughout the game (like we did), it would have been okay. But it doesn’t, so it isn’t.

As it is, I guess we’ll have to be content with playing the sequel. Maybe we will get to play Damian and make him command his hordes of imps and goblins in Divinity III: Flying Fortress Keeper or maybe we’ll get to play the dude from Divine Divinity and our dude in co-op mode in Divinity III: Double Dragon. Who knows? All I know is that I do not appreciate getting tricked into believing that I can make a difference in a game when all the developers are out to do is set up a nice cushy sequel.

Divinity II: Ego Draconis

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Note: Jonas and I are playing this game together, even though it’s a single-player game. You can read his review here.

Besides reading a lot and going to the movies a lot I also play computer games… a lot. Only recently there has been an appalling drought in the genre of first or third person RPGs. The good kind. Not the kind from Japan, with half-naked twelve year old girls called Simon as protagonists.

So, along comes Divinty II: Ego Draconis. In terms of graphics it looks a lot like Gothic 3, which made me nervous at first, because Gothic 3 was an appalling pile of moose dung. (I shall pretend to be a software-geek for a moment and say that Divinity II is actually done in the same engine as Oblivion and Fallout 3, but fails to look as good as either. Not that it looks bad, mind you.)

Now, after playing the game for about fifteen hours twenty hours way too long (considering we only bought it on Thursday), I have to say: Fear not, it be great fun.

The world is big and open, although you quickly notice when you’ve strayed too far for your current level. (I mean that as a compliment, Oblivion has taught me to fear games with leveling enemies. If I never see a level 40 Xivilai again I’ll die a happy woman.) The fighting system is simple, too simple, I might even say, as there is little variation to the attacks that you can choose from, especially at the beginning. The story is adequate, although nowhere near as good as, say, Gothic 1 and 2. And best of all: You can turn into a dragon. Not at first, and I have to admit that I haven’t gotten there yet, but hey, you can turn into a bloody dragon. So shut up and don’t complain.

Advancing your character stays hard throughout the game and especially at the beginning you’ll curse the absence of “good” weaponry. When you level the game isn’t too generous on the attribute and skill points, so I’d suggest to choose wisely what you raise and what not. If you think this is a bad thing you might do well to reconsider buying the game. Personally I think it is wonderful. There is nothing more refreshing as five minutes of agonized indecision as to where to put your next skill point. (I AM trying to be as un-sarcastic as possible here, I mean it.) Also it really makes you appreciate your first level 20 goblin chief and the 1000 xp that he brings along as a present.

The music is really awesome. Not awesome as in I need to listen to this even when I’m not currently playing, but awesome as in I frequently catch myself whistling the tavern theme when I’m preparing dinner. Which is a coincidence, actually, but these days I do little but play, cook and sleep, so the chances were pretty  good.

The writing deserves praise as well. (For those of you that are wondering: we are playing the German version of the game, seeing that the English one only comes out in September.) Anyroad. I find that it takes a bit to make me laugh when it comes to computer games and this one has managed to do so on several occasions. So, yay for the writing. If I had to change anything I’d remove most of the meta-humour, since it tends to damage the immersion in the same way that a glowing-hot needle damages a soap bubble. But luckily the really gross examples of such “wit” are few and far inbetween.

Despite all my criticism Divinity II is deeply enjoyable. Not one of the greats, but a lot better than anything that has come along in recent years. For people who enjoy a good RPG with a plot that is a little more substantial than candy floss, witty dialogue and a nice big world to strech one’s avatar’s leg in I would definitely recommed this game. So go forth and kill some goblins and don’t miss out on making a creature from decayed body parts, that’s the best bit.

Edit: Here are my slightly more negative thoughts upon having finished the game. It’s still got many excellent parts, but…